I haven’t felt so tired and in need of a bed in a while! After watching Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon (I recommend it) on my computer until about 4.30 AM last night I had to wake this morning to get my SPM results after barely four hours of sleep. It was a self-inflicted scheme to get too sleepy to wallow in anxiety. Went to school and sat with my friends in Laman Ko-op like nothing had changed in the four months since. I had a nightmare about not bringing Yu Chia’s swimming goggles to school and so had it perched safely on my head until I saw her.
Maybe I was too sleepy, or too fixated at keeping myself distracted so as to not bring upon myself unnecessary emotional conflicts, but everything after the brief moment of adrenaline rush during the impulsive high-jump I did had an offset quality to it. The reality of the situation and my state of mind were not aligned. I have this unfortunate habit of suppressing my anxieties by coating them with layers of distractions and then tinting them with pessimism so that I don’t get disappointed. The truth was that I was so ready to be scared that I only have ideas of what it means to be scared, and thus have taken paranoid precautions against them. It is like viewing fear through a mirror and then going through lengths to cover that mirror, even breaking it. But it doesn’t mean the fear stops existing. When they were announcing names and results on the hall I was on the phone with my father, who has been calling on a half-hour basis, and had no time to be held in suspense. I was vaguely aware of my name being echoed by my friends, and myself moving forward to receive the certificate from the principal in a half-confused and half-disbelief state. I remember asking,”Are you sure it’s me?”.
Flashes, oh so many cameras! I felt like a rock star (since as you know I have been stalking Larry Stylinson and have seen too many of their concert GIFs) when I climbed onto the empty stage to look at the sea of crowd below. Janice came next, and registering her achievement made my emotions click, and then came the brief euphoria. We were hopping around the stage trying to stand near the fan for it was so hot. More names were called, I remember I still had the swimming goggles on my head.
Later we went out for ice-cream, the few of us who could spare time and money met up in Haagen Dazs. There were supposed to be 10 so I told this to the waitress and she very kindly opened up the upstairs section for us. In the end the turn out was only five, and we had the section to ourselves.
As usual no outing ever finishes with a simply gathering for only dessert. A minimum 30-minute drive, a nice cafe and a lot of photographing are usually involved.